Adding my diary to this profile |
29-Feb-08 |
Entry for February 29, 2008
This in not written with pity or anything in mind. Just some more thoughts and such as to what is going on with me.
Today I find myself in a strange place. Just out of no where I started to depress and drink. And it is or was only 10 am. So I guess I will not be going out this evening to drink for I have a great head start on it. Given the wonderful snow we are getting again, I will drink and stare out the window wondering what life is about.
The thoughts that swirl through my mind. Good memories, bad memories, terrifying memories? all collide with the force of a super nova. Of course with my history, the bad memories out number the good about 20 to 1. It has been a while since I have felt like this, but in truth, it was expected.
Here is some random thoughts and or questions;
I don?t have anything to lose with D?Artanian. I still am not sure what is going with him and what happened to us, but he texted me the other day. He was telling me to leave him out of my life and to find someone better then him. I cannot make him love me, nor can I make him tell me what is going on. For the life of me I don?t know why he thinks that there is someone better then him. Especially for me. But it is his choice. I will always love him and I will certainly cherish the time he and I had together.
Then there is Doug. He out of the blue, and with timing that makes me wonder, wrote me an email beginning of January. He was explaining that even though he never said it, that he loves me very much. He told me he knows I needed more then what he could give me. He and I have talked, but that is about it. I?m just not sure what to think there. He explained that he would soon be undergoing knee replacement surgery. So now he has two titanium knees. Of course he has a rather long recovery form it. Not difficult to understand, he is 53 and in really good shape, but that is a major surgery.
John from Alabama had written me yesterday. He told me that he has been keeping tabs on me by reading my postings here. He and I had a bond from the start when we were talking. It was only emails, but his letters always had that love and romantic touch, along with a great seasoning of humor.
Two things I truly love. Romance and humor.
Then there is a man named Leo. He and I found each other on MySpace. His writing was wonderfully laced with thoughts and feeling. He had written me telling me about a Seminal and Sioux Indian saying that goes like this. Ni Ma Cho Rheeni Poni Chi, sounded out is like (nee ma chew renni pony chee) and meaning Mystery Eyes. Sound it out, and say it aloud, it is beautiful! I explained last night how I am a different kind of woman to Leo and he didn?t handle it well at all. To bad, he is a really good guy.
Of course there are others that I am leaving out. Men that I have just talked to or emailed back and forth. Like Joe who gave me a micro brewery education the night we went to Fort Street Brewery. I never knew there was so much to beer, and drinking a sample beer that starts out taking like rootbeer or coffee, then tasting the alcohol is interesting. Not for me but certainly interesting. Then there is Phil or Charlie at the bar I go to. Phil is one of those Italian men that you just drool over! Charlie is a great guy, sweet and considerate, but not much more for me.
My daughters Financial Aid thing for collage is done. The information has been accepted and sent to the schools we listed. At her last count, she has 97 days left. And that was from last night. God I want so much more for her then I had! But as a parent, isn?t that what we all for our children? To do so much better then we ourselves did?
Frankly she worries about me for when she goes off to collage. For the past few years she has believed that I have not done something totally stupid to myself because she was home with me. Honesty, I can?t say that she is wrong. I?m also not saying I intend to do something stupid when she goes. She has watched me self destruct, come back together to just repeat again at a later date. More then she should have ever been exposed too. I love her to death and could have never made it without her in my life.
She was telling me last night that of the men I have seen, D?Artanian was the only one that she liked. All of the others just never passed muster with her. She of course is just raw with her thoughts and feelings that D?Artanian has stepped back from me.
I am not trying to pick on him, make him feel bad if he is reading this. But D?Artanian, if you are reading this, you are a good man! You truly are!
I?m not sure what else I should say here today. The snow still falls outside. Covering everything in a pure clean white blanket. The simple thing of it falling, and blowing on the wind is hypnotic. As I write this, drinking my drink, and petting one of my cats, I just wallow in my thoughts. The thoughts of love and romance. The thoughts about all that has been lost. The thoughts of my daughter doing well in her future. Thoughts of what my future holds when she goes off to collage. Thoughts of men and the many good men that have turned there back on me. Not only the men that have expressed an interest in me, and the ones that I have truly loved. Love is not a word I use lightly. Love is a word I use when someone gets my heart, soul, my essence, and my everything. When I tell someone that I love them, that is exactly what I mean. And if something happens to that love, there is always a place in my heart for those I have loved. There always will be a place. For if he and I had that all elusive love, then he has a part of me forever, just as I will always have him in my heart.
Some may be disappointed in me considering I was doing so well. I mean I went out and had a really good time last Friday. Now, I am just circling the bowl waiting to be flushed.
Kisses,
Amy
Entry for February 29, 2008
This in not written with pity or anything in mind. Just some more thoughts and such as to what is going on with me.
Today I find myself in a strange place. Just out of no where I started to depress and drink. And it is or was only 10 am. So I guess I will not be going out this evening to drink for I have a great head start on it. Given the wonderful snow we are getting again, I will drink and stare out the window wondering what life is about.
The thoughts that swirl through my mind. Good memories, bad memories, terrifying memorie more...
